Counsels on Relationships

Counsel #21 — Winning to Lose

Picture: Counsel #21 — Winning to Lose CR 284.1

Some people walk into conversations like they’re walking into a courtroom - ready to argue their case, defend their stance, and deliver the final verdict. Every word becomes evidence, and every silence feels like surrender. Even though this approach may feed fleshly attributes, such as pride, healthy relationships don’t need winners. They need listeners.^[301] CR 284.2

If one person consistently insists on getting their way through demands, ultimatums, emotional pressure, or valuing logic while missing “the heart of the matter,” there’s no space for real give and take in the relationship. “My way or no way” is the language of pride, not partnership. Humility says, “Let’s work through this together,” and even when you’re certain of your perspective, how you speak matters. Your tone, timing, and willingness to hear the other side are all part of loving your partner well. Remember: mutual respect isn’t weakness. It’s the foundation of peace. The goal isn’t to win the conversation - it’s to strengthen the relationship and win each other’s trust, over and over again. Ask yourself “Would you rather be right, or warm at night?” CR 284.3

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.” 1 Timothy 6:11 NIV CR 284.4

“In this life there is nothing of greater importance than preparation of character that we may at last enter with joy into the saints’ abode on high.” Ellen White in In Heavenly Places, p. 182 CR 284.5

Reflect: In an argument, do you argue to win or communicate to understand? CR 284.6