Counsels on Relationships

Counsel #19 — Communicating Conflict

Picture: Counsel #19 — Communicating Conflict CR 282.1

Arguments often escalate when both people feel unheard. One partner says, “You always do this,” while the other responds, “You never listen!” The conversation quickly shifts from resolving an issue to defending positions. In these moments, the goal becomes winning rather than understanding, which causes both parties to feel misunderstood. CR 282.2

People in a well-balanced marriage will exercise emotional self-control, maintaining a calm demeanor during conflict as they share their frustrations. It requires mutual respect and a willingness to listen. One effective tool is the use of “I” statements, such as “I felt dismissed when my opinion wasn’t considered,” or “I was hurt when plans changed without us discussing it.” These statements express how you feel without accusing or attacking the other person, and they invite dialogue instead of triggering defensiveness. In contrast, “you” statements often place blame and escalate tension. Although He never sugar-coated anything, Jesus modeled clarity and compassion in every conversation. He addressed concerns directly, yet never with the goal of shaming - His approach demonstrated that truth and grace can and should coexist.^[299] CR 282.3

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19 NIV CR 282.4

“If the husband and wife would freely talk over the matter with each other in the spirit of Christ, the difficulty would be healed.” Ellen White in In Heavenly Places, p. 205 CR 282.5

Reflect: In conflict, do your words build bridges, or build walls? CR 282.6