The Fannie Bolton Story

Fannie Bolton to E. G. White, October 31, 1895

My soul is bowed down in grief and agony as I see the course I have been pursuing. Truly I have been walking in thick darkness and did not know it. There was no excuse for it. I offer none. I have murmured and complained and rebelled and grieved the Spirit of God, wounded Christ, His servants and angels. When they came seeking for a channel, my channel has often been obstructed with self. I have been like the man with the muck rake and have raked in the dirt of self-pity, and have not raised my eyes to the angels above my head. As I see how self has exalted itself above measure, swelled up with importance and righteousness, as I see how I have been an obstructed channel that has kept God’s tide of love at bay, my spirit is filled with anguish. The waves and billows of despair have gone over me. Never have I suffered such bitter grief, and I deserve it and much more; for I am eating the fruit of my doings. “Fools because of their iniquity are afflicted. Their souls abhor all manner of meat, and they draw nigh to the grave. Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them.” “Many a time did He deliver them; but they provoked Him with their counsel and were brought down for their iniquity. Nevertheless He regarded their affliction when He heard their cry, and He remembered for them His covenant, and repented according to the multitude of His mercies.” FBS 44.8

Thank God for these assurances; were it not that He has proclaimed Himself merciful, (and that is, treat us better than we deserve,) and longsuffering, I should go into despair. The magnitude of my sin is overwhelming. I have been on the wrong side of the controversy; not all the time, but when Satan came as a roaring lion, seeking whom he could devour, he found an entrance into my heart through the door of self. Now when it is too late I see the preciousness of the work from which my own sin has cut me off, and like Esau, who sold his birthright, I find no place for repentance, though I seek it carefully and with tears. I want to make all the reparation possible; I do not care what humiliation it costs. This is what I need, and always has been. I want the work to go to the bottom. O that I might now learn the lesson of prayer. I have resolved and resolved never to speak of the temptations that have overwhelmed me, and I have failed. There is no use trusting in self, there is no dependence there. FBS 45.1

O that I might have such a lesson as I shall never forget. My cry is, “Let me be broken. Break me. Show me how to fall on the Rock and be broken.” You dare not trust me to handle the precious, sacred matter that comes from your pen. I dare not ask it. I have prayed to God that if He could trust me, to let you understand it. I am altogether unworthy. I have caused you bitter grief. When I talked to Bro. and Sr. Prescott, it was to get help, to have them deliver me. O that I had been hidden in the Rock! O that I had sought Jesus alone when in temptation! I do not wonder that you will not trust me. FBS 45.2

You have been patient with me and longsuffering. I know you are anointed of God. This I have not doubted. Sr. Salisbury and others declare that their faith in you has been confirmed by my faith. I have not worked your entire disaster; but for the disaster I have wrought, for the pain I have caused, forgive me. I believe Jesus has raised His wounded palms before the Father in my behalf, and pleaded the cause of my soul. The terrible torture has gone from my soul; but O I feel bowed in the dust. I abhor myself in dust and ashes. I will not ask you to take me back, though I feel that in Christ’s strength, by the aid of your prayers, self might not again appear. But God only knows what is best. Forgive me. Send me the straight testimony. I thought once it would be my death or drive me to despair, but now I shall take it and eat it, and let it have its effect on my character. FBS 45.3

The first testimony you sent I read once or twice, and because it hurt me, I folded it up and did not look in it again; but that was a great error. Had I kept it in mind I might have been saved from this failure. Send my testimony to anybody who ought to know about my course. Make the medicine as bitter as I need; but O let your prayer be that I may indeed be washed from my sin and cleansed from my iniquity. Purge me with hyssop. I know you forgive me. I believe in your love upon me as the purchase of Christ’s blood, and that you will pray for me, even me. O that I might be filled with the Holy Spirit. As for confession, what shall I say? I am ashamed, I am confounded. My talents seem as empty as a nut-shell. Whatever they may be, they belong to God, to be used, not as I might choose, but as He might choose. I have justified myself. It has not been overwork that has ruined me as much as over-worry. It is the old story, dear sister, you do not need enlightenment. But O, how I feel to think I have failed you, to think that I have blocked back the work. And now, when you need workers so much, and God has given me ability to do your work, and would give me His Spirit, you dare not trust me. The Adversary has done this. The dragon has done this. O to think that I have been his tool! What shall I do? I can only cast my helpless afflicted soul upon Jesus Christ. I am so glad He is called the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sins of the world. A lamb is gentle, easy to be entreated, mild and forgiving. FBS 45.4

I praise the Lord this morning that He has not cast me off. I can fasten my trembling grasp in His mercy. Though I have thought Him my enemy, and have fought with Him as Jacob did with the angel, this morning I know who He is, and though afflicted, I cling to Him, and my trembling hand has power to hold Him, and I will not let Him go until He blesses me. I will not let Him go until my name is changed. Could you pray for me? Would you pray with me? Will you not intercede for me, not simply that I may now be forgiven, but cleansed from all iniquity? Purge me from sin. I don’t care who knows all this sin. Let me be humbled in the sight of all. But O pray that I may be right with God, that I may not be left out of the loud cry of the third angel’s message, and be left like Judas, a traitor, and a lost soul. I love you, Sr. White. I grieve in anguish over my course of rebellion. Give me all that the Lord has given you for me, and let me not be regarded as an adversary any longer. O remove this thorn of anguish from my heart if it be possible. FBS 46.1

Now if I cannot work for you any longer, might I not work up that book for Edson? Could I not do that? I have money enough to board myself for some months. I do not ask a salary at all. O do let me be a channel, if it be ever so hidden. Do let me be a worker, if it be in ever so humble a spot. Now, while I make this request, I do it with all submission to the will of God. I am not worthy to ask anything of the kind. Do with me as it seems best. Yours in Christ, Fannie Bolton. FBS 46.2