Letters and Manuscripts — Volume 19 (1904)

Lt 65, 1904

Harper, Walter

“Elmshaven,” St. Helena, California

February 6, 1904

Portions of this letter are published in AH 378.

Mr. Walter Harper

My dear brother,—

The tithe money you placed in my hands was sent to Elder G. I. Butler to be used in the support of the colored ministers in the South. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 1

As soon as I could, I sent you the letter I promised you. For some time, I was unable to write anything or to look over what I had written. My brain was very weary. After I regained my strength, matters were presented to me in a way that made things seem clearer, and I wrote to you and sent you also a letter written several months ago. I hope that ere this you have received these letters. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 2

I also wrote to your wife, asking her to tell me her plans. I hope to meet your wife again sometime and have an interview with her. She needs counsel. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 3

My brother, I sincerely hope that your married life in the future will be very different, in some respects, from what it has been in the past. In order for you to make your wife’s life happy, you need an experience very different from the experience that you have gained. “Ye have need of patience.” [Hebrews 10:36.] You must treat your wife in an entirely different manner, if you expect her to be willing to unite her life with yours. You need to change your attitude, and you need to realize that whether or not your wife shall consent to live with you depends wholly on you yourself. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 4

You must change your attitude toward your wife. You are not to think that you are at liberty to manage her according to your impulses. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 5

You must make your course of action less objectionable to her. At times your words are so arbitrary, so masterful, that they disgust her. Such words cannot strengthen love. Your habit of dictating to your wife has become so annoying to her that unless you change, she will not consent to link her life once more with yours. Your tendency to rebuke her, your perversity, if continued, will extinguish every spark of love she has for you. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 6

You need to understand how to treat a wife. You are not to treat your wife as a child that does not know its own mind. You are not to suppose that you can control her. You need to be taught line upon line, precept upon precept, the right way of dealing with others. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 7

In the married life of every man and woman there will be provocations that demand patience and self-control. There will be faults on both sides. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 8

Many temptations come to a man to exercise authority. It is so easy, so natural, to take a harsh, dictatorial attitude entirely uncalled for. But, my brother, your wife will never submit to be treated as if your judgment were supreme. Many a man brings into his married life a power of dictation, a masterly authority, that alienates his wife’s affections from him. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 9

If you will take yourself in hand and bring yourself under control, I see no reason why you and your wife should not reunite your interests. But if you follow a course that makes you obnoxious to her, constantly censuring and finding fault, you will sever the last thread of the cord of love that binds her to you. You must let patience do its perfect work in your heart. Your wife is human, and she is not faultless. She is not always wise. But a noble, generous, Christlike husband could do almost anything with a character such as hers. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 10

You must help each other. Do not look upon it as a virtue to hold fast the purse strings, refusing to give your wife money. Write to her. She says that she has written you letters that you have not answered. Please think candidly over what I have written, and write kindly to your wife. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 11

I shall not write again to you till I hear from you. 19LtMs, Lt 65, 1904, par. 12