Manuscript Releases, vol. 21 [Nos. 1501-1598]

MR No. 1524—Exercising Faith and Rejoicing in the Lord in Spite of Pain and Suffering

(Diary entries written in 1892 at Preston, Victoria, Australia. Large portions of this manuscript appear in various Manuscript Releases; Selected Messages, book 2; This Day With God; Sons and Daughters of God; and Mind, Character, and Personality, vol. 2.)

I am deeply grieved as I see that those now in positions of trust in our work do not think of the sacrifices made in the past to establish the work in its various branches. It hurts me to see these new workers, who have made few sacrifices and borne few burdens, demanding the highest wages. They know nothing of what it has cost to bring the work to its present condition; and I can see that in my dealings with them I need not expect any consideration. Their actions have been so harsh and unfeeling that I am led to understand better the word of the Lord to me that I must lean upon His arm, that He will be to me a God and a Father. 21MR 108.1

“I will comfort you,” He says. “Selfishness rules in the hearts of these men, and they will grieve and wound and bruise souls. If they loved Me, they would love those who are united with Me as My co-workers. It is I, their Lord, whom they slight. They have no living connection with Me. They know not what they do. They have set at naught My counsel, and refused My reproofs. I demanded the love and allegiance of their hearts, but I did not receive it. 21MR 108.2

“If your earthly treasures are taken away, you are not to grieve, for I will give you heavenly treasure. If I remove the dearest objects of earthly attachment, I will supply the lack with more of Myself. It is in the time of deepest sorrow that I send the richest tokens of My grace. I will cause the afflicted soul to break forth into the song of praise and thanksgiving, ‘It is good for me that I have been afflicted.’ The trials and losses that come to you are to purify and refine you, and fit you for immortality.” 21MR 108.3

This was the assurance given me, and I am determined to put my trust in the Lord. I will not murmur or complain. I am comforted every day, for the Lord understands my suffering. Even if He does not remove it, He will give me grace to endure the pain. I am comforted, and I praise the Lord with heart and soul and voice. 21MR 108.4

Every worker in the Lord's vineyard will have trials and disappointments and grievous annoyances to bear. If the worker gives way to discouragement, his soul is wearied and his courage sapped. His only hope is in God. If he will look steadfastly to Jesus for his orders as well as for his inspiration, he will be enabled to maintain self-control. There are times when difficulties are increased, when, though the Lord says, Go forward, some feel called upon to oppose His plans. To fight against the prejudices and opposition of those of like faith requires more taxing effort than the work of preaching the truth to unbelievers. 21MR 108.5

April 22, 1892—This morning I awoke with increased hope and confidence in God. During the night I had many wakeful hours, and I called most earnestly upon the Lord. He has given me the assurance that I shall see in my body and spirit the salvation of God. During the past four months of pain and infirmity, I have constantly importuned God for help. He has said that those who come to Him He will in no wise cast out, and I believe His word. I believe that I shall be restored to health and enabled to bear my testimony in Australia. The Lord is good and greatly to be praised. I shall live to speak His praise in the congregation. I do not understand why I am lying here, unable to labor for the Lord; but God understands, and that is enough for me. 21MR 109.1

Of late I have been thinking much of Martha and Mary, and their experience at the time of the death and resurrection of Lazarus. When Lazarus became sick, they sent Jesus the word, “Lord, behold, he whom Thou lovest is sick.” There was no further word, no urgent message for Him to come. They fully expected that their beloved Friend would at once come and heal their brother. As soon as the messenger had gone, they saw a decided change for the worse in the sick man. His fever rapidly increased, and soon they realized that in the fight between life and death, death had triumphed. With hearts full of anguish, they saw their brother die. 21MR 109.2

Did not Jesus know about the sickness of Lazarus, even before the messenger reached Him? He must have known what was taking place in that humble home at Bethany. Even from where He was, could He not have stayed the power of death? 21MR 109.3

With heavy hearts the sisters prepared Lazarus for burial, all the while looking anxiously for Christ. They longed to see Him, and to hear His words of comfort. They laid their loved one in the grave, and then two long, sorrowful days passed before Jesus came. 21MR 109.4

May 9, 1892—The past night has been a very long one, and I am so restless that I long for the day. I keep my mind as much as possible on the promises of God. I do not claim these promises because I deserve them, but because they are bestowed upon erring human beings as a free gift. I am comforted with the assurance that although constantly suffering pain, I am never forsaken. I put my trust in One who is too wise to err and too good to do me harm. He will restore me to health. I shall yet speak forth His praise in the congregation of the saints. I am determined not to encourage feelings of despondency and gloom. 21MR 109.5

May 10, 1892—I have had a rather singular night. Sometime during the night I woke to find myself lying stretched out on my back. My heart was beating only feebly. I felt as if my body were being crushed under a mass of rubbish. I could hardly move any of my limbs. I did not know where I was. I called my nurse, but she did not hear me. After trying several times, I succeeded in moving my limbs, but my body seemed helpless. It was more than half an hour before I could understand that I was in bed, and before I could use my mind or move my limbs freely. Then the thought came to me that the angels of the Lord had awakened me, or else I should soon have breathed my last. How thankful I felt that I was guarded by heavenly angels. I dared not try to sleep again, for my heart seems to be very feeble in action. 21MR 110.1

May 13, 1892—Today the mail for America closed. It has been a trying day for us all, but we managed to get the letters off in time. I sent about fifty pages of letters away. After the mail had gone, Sister Tay, Marian, and I rode out. The weather was mild and pleasant and we enjoyed the drive. The sunset was very fine. The clouds were golden, and it looked as if the gates of heaven were ajar. 21MR 110.2

I cannot yet move my left arm without pain, but thankfulness is constantly welling up in my heart. My head is perfectly clear, and my memory undimmed. 21MR 110.3

I gain much consolation from dwelling upon the truth. Of this I never tire. Constantly different points of truth present themselves to my mind in a new light, and I have a feast of good things. 21MR 110.4

May 14, 1892—The past night has been one of great tediousness. I was obliged to get up six times to change my position, for my back and limbs were full of pain. My neck was so painful that it distressed me to lie on the pillow. But the Lord is good, and He draws near to me as I lift up my heart in prayer to Him, beseeching Him for grace and for restoration to health. 21MR 110.5

I have a longing desire to get well, that I may proclaim the truth in this country. While I stand in the shadow of the cross, I feel certain, as I see by faith the rainbow of promise, that God's promise is sure. The Lord is indeed mine and I am the Lord's. I try not to be anxious or to feel restless or dissatisfied. 21MR 110.6

May 15, 1892—In the house of Lazarus at Bethany, the Saviour often found a pleasant rest from care and labor. Lazarus loved Jesus with sincere, fervent love. He believed Him to be the Way, the Truth, and the Life. His sister Mary was also an earnest listener to the Saviour's words. Lazarus knew how deep was the enmity that the Pharisees cherished against Jesus, and he knew the injustice of the charges they sought to fasten upon Him. The sympathy of the inmates of this peaceful home was wholly with Jesus. 21MR 110.7

In the inspired record we are told that “Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus,” yet after He received the message, “He abode two days still in the same place where He was.” Guided by divine wisdom, He did not go at once to His beloved friends. The message that came to Him did not meet with an immediate response. Mary and Martha did not say, “Lord, come at once and heal our brother.” They had confidence in Jesus, believing that He would do what was best for them. At length He said to His disciples, “Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may awake him out of sleep.” 21MR 111.1

By the raising of Lazarus, many were led to believe in Jesus. It was God's plan that Lazarus should die and be laid in the tomb before the Saviour should arrive. The raising of Lazarus was Christ's crowning miracle, and because of it many glorified God. But those who had again and again rejected light would not yield, even in the face of this overwhelming evidence. They were hardened in unbelief, and they went away immediately to tell the priests and rulers what Jesus had done. They aroused anew the hatred of His bitterest enemies, the Pharisees, whose jealousy was increased by every act of mercy performed by the Saviour. 21MR 111.2

May 21, 1892—The trying, almost sleepless night is ended. Yesterday afternoon Elder Daniells and his wife, Elder Tenney and his wife, and Brethren Stockton and Smith came to our house at my request to pray that the Lord would heal me. We had a most earnest season of prayer, and we were all much blessed. I was relieved, but not restored. I have now done all that I can to follow the Bible directions, and I shall wait for the Lord to work, believing that in His own good time He will heal me. My faith takes hold of the promise, “Ask, and ye shall receive.” I believe that the Lord heard our prayers. I hoped that my captivity might be turned immediately, and to my finite judgment it seemed that thus God would be glorified. I was much blessed during our season of prayer, and I shall hold fast to the assurance then given me: “I am your Redeemer. I will heal you.” 21MR 111.3

May 22, 1892—The past night was an almost sleepless one. I am so thankful that I could commune with God and leave myself without murmuring in His merciful hands. I can use my arms and hands better than I could, and with considerable effort I can dress myself. 21MR 111.4

Satan is watching to see if I will hide my faith under a cloud of unbelief by murmuring against the One who has done everything for me. I am determined not to distrust God. I shall keep looking up to where the rainbow of promise encircles the throne. I shall triumph in God. Daily my soul is refreshed by the contemplation of the great love of our heavenly Father. 21MR 112.1

June 15, 1892—The night has been long and trying. I lay awake from half past ten till half past two, so full of nervous pain that I could not rest. But I will not repine. “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” I shall be glad when the days lengthen and the nights shorten. Constantly my petition is ascending to God for restoration to health, that while here in Australia I may bear my testimony to the people. But if the Lord has other plans for me, I am content. He knows what is for my good and the good of His people. He doeth all things well. 21MR 112.2

June 16, 1892—Another long trying night has nearly passed. Daylight will soon come. I slept well during the first part of the night, but when I awoke, the nervous pain came on once more so severely that I could scarcely compose myself to pray intelligently. After a time the nervousness passed away, and I prayed most earnestly to my heavenly Father. I presented before Him the promise, “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” Even in my pain I can rejoice in the Lord, and this gives me peace. Christ is my personal Saviour. He has pledged His word to accomplish the salvation of all who believe in Him, and He will verify His promise. 21MR 112.3

“God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” These words show us why God's wrath descended on His only begotten Son, why the innocent suffered for the guilty, why the just bore the punishment wholly due to the unjust. Jesus came to bear the penalty of man's transgression, to uphold and vindicate the immutability of the law of God and the rectitude of His government. He came to make an end of sin, and to bring in everlasting righteousness. He can lift sinners from their low estate, and in so doing magnify the law of Jehovah. These thoughts make me almost forget my pain. 21MR 112.4

June 17, 1892—During the past night I have slept but little. I tried to look to Jesus, to place myself in the hands of the great Physician. He has said, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” The grace of Christ leads men to speak right words under all circumstances. Bodily suffering is no excuse for unchristlike actions. 21MR 112.5

During these sleepless hours, the subject of overcoming has been the burden of my thoughts. “To him that overcometh,” the Lord declares, “will I grant to sit with Me in My throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with My Father in His throne.” 21MR 113.1

There are those who are forever making excuses for walking in the counsels of the enemy. Some think that because they have physical infirmities, they are privileged to speak pettish words, and to act in an unlovely manner. But has Jesus made no provision for such ones to overcome temptation? Because of trial and affliction, are they to be unthankful and unholy? Are not the rays of Christ's righteousness bright enough to dispel the shadow of Satan? The grace of God is declared to be sufficient for all the ills and trials against which human beings have to contend. Is it powerless then against bodily infirmity? Shall divine grace stand back, while Satan takes the field, holding the victim in the power of his evil attributes? 21MR 113.2

Oh, how precious is Jesus to the soul who trusts in Him. But many are walking in darkness because they bury their faith in the shadow of Satan. They have not done that which it was in their power to do through the grace of Jesus. They have not talked faith and hope and courage. Never for a moment should we allow Satan to think that his power to distress and annoy is greater than the power of Christ to uphold and strengthen. 21MR 113.3

“Men ought always to pray, and not to faint.” Every sincere prayer that is offered to God is mingled with the efficacy of Christ's blood. If the answer is deferred, it is because God desires us to show a holy boldness in claiming the pledged word of God. He is faithful who hath promised. He will never forsake the soul who is wholly surrendered to Him. You may ask the Lord for certain things that you think you must have, but He may see that to grant your desire would harm your soul. He gives you that which is for your good and His glory. If you become rebellious because you do not receive what you think you should, you show that your way is not in harmony with the will of God, that your way is not His way. Selfishness says, “My way, O God; much of self, and little of Thee.” 21MR 113.4

June 18, 1892—The past night was one of great suffering. During the evening I had a coke fire in the grate. I awoke with a sense of suffocation and pressure for breath. I called for help. By mistake all the windows in my room had been left closed. I felt sick all over and very faint, and for a time I lost all sense of things about me. At last May Walling and Emily Campbell came to my help, and every effort was made to give me ease. But I was not entirely relieved for some time. 21MR 113.5

After all had been done that anyone could do, the windows were opened, and a screen placed around my bed, to prevent the air striking directly upon me. I slept again, a troubled, dangerous sleep. For the next two hours I was wrestling in my sleep to find my way out of a dense wood, to where I could get a free breath of air. When at last I aroused from sleep, I did not come to my proper bearings for some time, yes, for hours. Then I knew that something must be done. I was weak, and my heart pained me. I felt the need of a strong cordial, but there was nothing in the house but grape juice. I took some of this, and it strengthened me, but I was much exhausted. 21MR 114.1

On the Sabbath, all the members of the family excepting myself went to church. During the day I wrote something in regard to missionary work. I felt deeply as I wrote, and my heart went up in prayer to God to set things in order in this country, and to raise up men who have wisdom to recognize the talent that God has given to many who have accepted the truth. These can be fitted for a place in the work, but they need to be educated and disciplined, that they may know how to use their talents for the spreading of the truth and the upbuilding of God's kingdom in the earth. 21MR 114.2

Christ is the greatest Missionary our world has ever seen, and I have faith that He will heal me. 21MR 114.3

June 19, 1892—Another night has passed, and much more pleasantly than the previous one. I feel very grateful to my heavenly Father for His grace and His great mercy to me. 21MR 114.4

Last night I was perplexed to know what to do for my aching nerves and muscles. All day the wind had been very high, and it seemed impossible to make the rooms warm enough for me to take treatment in them. I thought of a salt glow, and May Walling gave me one, with the lounge drawn as close as possible to the fire. This treatment was successful in quieting my nerves. This morning I feel stronger than I did yesterday. 21MR 114.5

Elder Daniells came from Fitzroy to see me, and we had a pleasant conversation. I told him that come what may we must not for a moment lose courage or hope or faith, because that would give the victory to the enemy. We must be faithful soldiers, moving steadily forward. Whatever circumstances may arise, we must remember that the Captain of the Lord's host is leading us. To Him we must look for orders. Satan will not leave us in peace. He is ever seeking to destroy. If he cannot do this, he will seek in every possible way to annoy and hinder us. Knowing the will of the Lord, we must not dishonor our Leader by speaking words of discouragement. 21MR 114.6

Brother and Sister Byron Belden called to see me, and we had a season of prayer. In my suffering, the Lord is sacredly near to me. It seems that I can endure the seeing of Him who is invisible. During these long, wakeful nights, I have precious seasons of communion with my Saviour. I seem to look upon His face, full of tenderness and compassion. These words are impressed on my mind: “Then said Jesus unto His disciples, If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:24, 25). 21MR 115.1

June 20, 1892—I slept the first part of the night, but during the latter part I could not rest. I committed my case to the Lord, and was comforted by the thought that I am a subject of His care. I do find peace and comfort in prayer, but I should look upon it as a great blessing from the Lord if I could pass the hours of the night in sleep. These words comfort and strengthen me: “Be renewed in the spirit of your mind.” This renewing is what I desire to have. “Though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.” The righteousness of Christ is the prize to which we are individually to reach forth. “Let this mind be in you,” Paul writes, “which was also in Christ Jesus.” We must walk as He walked and work as He worked. This means constant self-denial and a daily reaching out to do others good. We lose much because we are so apt to forget the fulness of the grace provided for us through the merits of Christ. No one is safe who offers the Lord a dull, sleepy, indifferent service. In order to resist the temptations of the enemy, we shall have to wrestle in earnest prayer with God. By using the grace bestowed, we shall gain a vigorous Christianity. 21MR 115.2

Day by day I am given an assurance of the love of God. “He that heareth My word,” Christ says, “and believeth on Him that sent Me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.” “These are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through His name,” I long to proclaim the gospel of good news, the glad tidings of great joy. I am anxious to present to our people the message that the Lord has given me, that Christ has made us His own, that He has bought us with a price beyond computation. The Saviour declared, “I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on Me should not abide in darkness.” He would have all heed His invitation, “Whosoever will, let him take of the water of life freely.” God presents salvation to all; He gives it to those who believe. 21MR 115.3

June 21, 1892—Another night of restlessness and suffering has passed. I welcome the coming of five o'clock in the morning, for then Emily Campbell builds my fire, and I can be dressed. 21MR 116.1

I will not allow my mind to dwell on the dark side. Jesus has light and comfort and hope and joy for me. I want to face the light, that the brightness of the Sun of Righteousness may shine into my heart, and be reflected to others. It is the duty of every Christian to shine—to shed abroad the light of the grace that Christ imparts. God would have me, even in my pain, praise Him, showing that I realize that His presence is with me. “Being justified by faith, we have peace with God.” “This is the record, that God hath given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son.” Whatever else the sin of Adam did, it did not give human beings an excuse for transgressing God's law. 21MR 116.2

June 22, 1892—The morning gave promise of a very pleasant day, and there was talk of riding out. But soon the clouds began to roll up, and the air became cold. At one o'clock there was a flood of rain, with heavy thunder and frequent flashes of lightning. With greater and less severity, the storm continued during the day. 21MR 116.3

Last night I slept better than during the night previous, but I was greatly afflicted with pain in my arms, shoulders, spine, hip-bones, and feet. This makes me painfully sick, but I will not become discouraged. I will press my petitions to the throne of grace. I have a sympathizing Saviour, who does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men. I have much time to think, and my head is perfectly clear. Christ draws my attention to Himself. “Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.” This is our confidence. I will rejoice in His love. 21MR 116.4

June 23, 1892—Another night has passed. I slept only three hours. I was not in so much pain as usual, but was restless and nervous. After lying awake for some time, trying to sleep, I gave up the effort, and directed my whole attention to seeking the Lord. How precious to me was the promise, “Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” I prayed most earnestly to the Lord for comfort and peace, which the Lord Jesus alone can give. I want the blessing of the Lord, so that, while suffering pain, I shall not lose self-control. I dare not trust in self for one moment. 21MR 116.5

The instant that Peter withdrew his eyes from Christ, that instant he began to sink. When he realized his peril, and lifted his eyes and voice to Jesus, crying, Save, Lord, or I perish, the hand ever ready to save the perishing took hold of him, and he was saved. 21MR 116.6

I long to follow on to know the Lord, that I may know that His going forth is prepared as the morning. I desire the words of my lips to be right words, the meditations of my heart to be of God. I desire to be strengthened with genuine faith. I do not want one vestige of presumption or self-confidence to appear in my life. I want faith, simple, trustful faith. I am determined to rely wholly on the promise of God, asking Him to keep my lips from evil, and my tongue from speaking guile. 21MR 117.1

In my home I must daily seek peace and pursue it. “The eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open unto their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.” And although the body is suffering, and the nervous system enfeebled, we must not think that we are at liberty to speak fretfully or to think that we are not receiving all the attention we should have. When we give way to impatience, we drive the Spirit of God out of the heart, and give place to the attributes of Satan. When we frame excuses for selfishness, for evil thinking and evil speaking, we are educating the soul in evil, and if we continue to do this, it will become a habit to yield to temptation. We are then on Satan's ground, overcome, weak, and without courage. 21MR 117.2

If we trust in ourselves, we shall certainly fall. Christ says, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in Me.” What is the fruit that we are to bear? “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; against such there is no law.” 21MR 117.3

As I meditated on these things, I felt more and more deeply the sin of neglecting to keep the soul in the love of God. The Lord does nothing without our cooperation. When Christ prayed, “Father keep them in Thy name,” He did not mean that we should neglect to keep ourselves in the love and faith of God. Alive unto God, through a living union with Christ, we trust in the promises, constantly gaining greater strength by beholding Jesus. 21MR 117.4

What can change the heart or shake the confidence of the one who by beholding the Saviour is changed into His likeness? Shall such a one be on the watch for slights? Shall his imagination center on self? Shall he allow little things to destroy his peace of mind? 21MR 117.5

He in whose heart Christ abides is willing to be pleased. He thinks no evil, and is content with the assurance that Jesus knows and values aright every soul for whom He died. God says, “I will make a man more precious than fine gold; even a man than the golden wedge of Ophir.” Let this satisfy the longing of the soul, and make us careful and guarded, very ready to forgive others because God has forgiven us. 21MR 117.6

The happiness of life is made up of little things. It is in the power of everyone to practice true Christlike courtesy. It is not the possession of splendid talents that will help us to overcome, but the conscientious performance of daily duties. The kind look, the lowly spirit, the contended disposition, the unaffected, sincere interest in the welfare of others—these things are helps in the Christian life. If the love of Jesus fills the heart, this love will be manifested in the life. We shall not show a determination to have our own way, a stubborn, selfish unwillingness to be happy or pleased. The health of the body depends more upon heart-healthfulness than many suppose. 21MR 118.1

One can imagine himself slighted, imagine that he is not in as high a position as he is capable of filling, and so make of himself a supposed martyr. He is unhappy, but who is to blame? One thing is certain—kindness and amiability of temper will do more to exalt him than any supposed smartness with the curse of an ungenial disposition. 21MR 118.2

June 24, 1892—“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For Thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 21MR 118.3

I know in whom I have believed. I have been purchased by the blood of the only begotten Son of God. He has graven me upon the palms of His hands. I am not my own. I have committed the keeping of my soul unto Him as unto a faithful Creator. He will keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day. 21MR 118.4

Elder Daniells and his wife, Elder Tenney and his wife, and Sarah Belden took dinner with us today. We talked about the prospect of establishing a school in Australia to train workers for the islands of the sea. 21MR 118.5

June 25, 1892—The past night was one of pain and of relief. I went to bed at nine, but was obliged to take treatment till twelve. I then slept for about three hours. During these wakeful nights I hold precious seasons of communion with God. My continual prayer is for the meekness and lowliness of Christ. Much time is lost in longing to do some great thing, some wonderful work, while the duties lying close at hand, the performance of which would make the life fragrant, are lost sight of. The life that is Christlike in the home will be Christlike in the church. It is the neglect of the smaller duties in an effort to reach after a great work, that spoils the life of many a one. 21MR 118.6

True Christians are a savor of life unto life because Christ abides in their hearts. Reflecting His image, they are children of the light. 21MR 119.1

I put my trust in the Lord Jesus. I cry after God. “As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after Thee, O God.” Here in the home, in my pain and suffering, I must be imbued with the Spirit of Christ. It is now that I must put my trust in the Lord. At times I can do little else than cling to Jesus, saying, “I am Thy child. I trust in Thee. I have Thy pledged word, ‘My grace is sufficient.”’ Then relief comes, and I praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy. 21MR 119.2

Today quarterly meeting was held in the church. Willie spoke from Isaiah 50:10, 11. In the afternoon the Lord's supper was administered, preceded by the ordinance of feet-washing. The celebration of these ordinances is the fulfilling of the command, “If I, then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye ought also to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you.” What a place is this for hushing controversies, for forgiving those who have done us any injury. This is the time, if one has anything against his brother, to make it right, to settle every difficulty. Let there be mutual forgiveness. Let no strange flame be brought to the altar. Let no malice, no hatred, be cherished by those who meet round the communion table. Let high and low, rich and poor, learned and unlearned, meet together as those purchased by the blood of Christ. 21MR 119.3

June 26, 1892—I am glad when the daylight comes; for the nights are long and wearisome. But when I cannot sleep, gratitude fills my heart as I think that One who never slumbers is watching over me for good. What a wonderful thought it is that Jesus knows all about the pains and griefs we bear. In all our afflictions He was afflicted. 21MR 119.4

Some among our friends know nothing of human woe or physical pain. They are never sick, and therefore they cannot enter fully into the feelings of those who are sick. But Jesus is touched with the feeling of our infirmity. He is the great Medical Missionary. He has taken humanity upon Himself, and has placed Himself at the head of the new dispensation, in order that He may reconcile justice and compassion. 21MR 119.5

June 27, 1892—Another night has passed, and although I suffered much from nervousness, yet I have the peace that the presence of Jesus always brings. He gives me to drink of the cup of His salvation, and my heart is made cheerful in God. 21MR 119.6

How earnestly we ought to labor for those who are unsaved. When we think of the infinite sacrifice that Jesus has made to redeem sinners, how can we be content to make no effort in behalf of our fellow beings? Shall we do nothing, when the Good Shepherd came from the throne of heaven to seek and save the lost? 21MR 120.1

June 28, 1892—“Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless His holy name.” I am compassed with infirmities, yet I am of good courage in the Lord. Although the enemy is permitted to afflict me, yet I have great blessings from day to day. My head is free from pain, shielded by the hand of the Lord. My shoulders and arms are full of pain, but my right forearm, from the elbow to the tips of my fingers, is free from pain. I am able to do much important writing. 21MR 120.2

I am deeply interested in the work of my ministering brethren. My heart is drawn out in sympathy with them, and I pray that they may honor God. “This is life eternal, that they might know Thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom Thou hast sent.” We can know Christ only by loving and obeying Him. 21MR 120.3

The Lord calls for valiant men, who will not fail or be discouraged. Trials and disappointments will come to God's workers; but did they not come to Jesus? Shall we cover the Lord's altar with mourning and sighing and tears? God forbid. It comforts me to meditate upon the loving words of Christ, to think of His courtesy, His sympathy, His compassion. I long to be like Him. I will rest in His care. He will make me a conqueror over evil. 21MR 120.4

June 29, 1892—My prayer on awaking is, Jesus, keep Thy child today. Take me under Thy guardianship. Make me a healthy, fruit-bearing branch of the living Vine. “Without Me,” Christ says, “ye can do nothing.” In and through Christ we can do all things. 21MR 120.5

He who was the adored of angels, who had listened to the music of the heavenly choir, was ever touched, while upon this earth, with the sorrows of children, ever ready to listen to the story of childish woe. He often dried their tears, cheering them with the tender sympathy of His words, which seemed to hush their sorrows and make them forget their grief. The emblem in the form of a dove that hovered over Jesus at His baptism represents His gentleness of character. 21MR 120.6

June 30, 1892—Another night of great weariness is nearly passed. Although I continue to suffer much pain, I know that I am not forsaken by my Saviour. My prayer is, Help me, Jesus, that I may not dishonor Thee with my lips. Let no unkind words be spoken by me. I am told by some who come to see me that I shall never again have the use of my limbs. But I do not accept this view as truth. I know that the Lord has a work for me to do, and I will put my trust in Him. The outlook is not cheering, but God knows my situation. I rejoice that I can use my right hand. Bolstered up in a chair with pillows, I write many pages. I am able to keep my workers supplied with all they can possibly do. I could keep two more busy. 21MR 120.7

My heart is filled with gratitude for the goodness and mercy of God. My prayer goes up to heaven for grace, and the peace that passeth understanding is given me. I can trust the Lord Jesus to care for my weary body. I find in Him a present help in every time of need. His presence seems so real and is the evidence of His compassion. Sick or well, I feel that every power of body and mind should be employed in glorifying God. We are not our own, to please and gratify self. We have been purchased by the blood of Christ, and it is our daily duty as well as our privilege to consecrate all that we have and are to the Saviour. 21MR 121.1

July 5, 1892—I am greatly distressed in mind. I see matters that need to be changed. Sister Daniells is greatly deceived in regard to her spiritual condition. She feels that she is far in advance of her husband and would instruct him. Whether with him or away from him, she assumes this attitude. She married him when his condition, as far as his health and usefulness were concerned, was not encouraging. Having done this, she feels that he is indebted to her for his advancement. But she should not cherish this thought, for it is not true. Elder Daniells is the Lord's child, and if Sister Daniells had not married him, God would still have led him onward and upward. But she did marry him, and therefore it was plainly her part to help him all she could. 21MR 121.2

It is the Lord who has made Elder Daniells the man that he is, and when Sister Daniells takes the credit for this, she dishonors God. Often she has stood in Elder Daniells’ way, discouraging and depressing him, because she was not walking in truth and righteousness. She has cherished in her heart the grievous sin of jealousy. This has separated her from the Saviour. She has been unjust to her husband, and unjust to others. She had no reason to feel as she did, for Elder Daniells is not guilty. But she has accepted Satan's temptations as the truth. Thus she has lost her peace of mind, and has taken a course which has disparaged her in the eyes of her brethren and sisters, and which has brought alienation between her and her husband. Elder Daniells would be received into the hearts of the believers in New Zealand if Sister Daniells were a humble, discreet woman. She must learn at the feet of Jesus to be meek and lowly. Unless she does this, she will be a great hindrance to her husband. 21MR 121.3

July 6, 1892—I am so thankful that I can tell the Lord all my fears and perplexities. I feel that I am under the shield of His wings. An infidel once asked a God-fearing youth, “How great is the God you worship?” “So great,” was the reply, “that He fills immensity, and yet so small that He dwells in every sanctified heart.” 21MR 122.1

O precious Saviour, I long for Thy salvation. “As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after Thee.” I long for a clearer view of Jesus. I love to think of His spotless life, to meditate upon His lessons. How many times I repeat the words, “Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” 21MR 122.2

Much of the time my body is full of pain, but I will not by complaining become unworthy of the name of Christian. I am assured that this lesson of suffering will be to the glory of God, a means of warning others to avoid continuous labor under circumstances so unfavorable to health of the body. 21MR 122.3

July 7, 1892—The Lord strengthens me by His grace to write important letters. The brethren frequently come to me for counsel. I feel a strong assurance that this tedious affliction is for the glory of the Lord. I will not murmur; for when I wake in the night, it seems that Jesus is looking upon me. The fifty-first chapter of Isaiah is exceedingly precious to me. He bears all our burdens. I read this chapter with assurance and hope. 21MR 122.4

July 8, 1892—The mail for America closed today. I sent off one hundred and thirty pages—letters to Elder Haskell, Elder Butler, J. E. White, Frank and Hattie Belden, Dr. Maxson, Ella and Mabel White, Sister L. M. Hall, Elder Smith, Elder Corliss, C. H. Jones, and many more. 21MR 122.5

July 9, 1892—Last night I was not able to sleep after twelve o'clock. It was my thoughts more than pain of body that troubled me. There are some trials that it is not best to dwell upon, because there seems no clear way out of them. I try to cast my burden upon the Lord, but I do not always leave it there. I take it up again, when I should leave it with the Saviour. I feel deeply grieved that all connected with me in my work are not in a favorable state of mind to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. I cannot keep in my employ some of those now connected with me unless the Lord converts them, leading them to see that their hearts must be brought into harmony with His will. When self is not sanctified, it becomes a ruling power for evil. 21MR 122.6

July 10, 1892—I awoke Emily at five o'clock to build my fire and help me to dress. I thank the Lord that I had a better night's rest than usual. My wakeful hours I employ in prayer and meditation. The question forces itself upon me, Why do I not receive the blessing of restoration to health? Shall I interpret these long months of sickness as evidences of the displeasure of God because I came to Australia? I answer decidedly, No, I dare not do this. At times before leaving America, I thought that the Lord did not require me to go to a country so far away, at my age and when I was prostrated by overwork. But I followed the voice of the [General] Conference, as I have ever tried to do at times when I had no clear light myself. I came to Australia, and found the believers here in a condition where they must have help. For weeks after reaching here, I labored as earnestly as I have ever labored in my life. Words were given me to speak in regard to the necessity of personal piety. 21MR 122.7

There is need of a decided change in the administration of the Echo Office. The lack of proper planning has kept this institution bound down and limited in its influence when the Lord has a large work that must be done. 21MR 123.1

During the conference the Lord wrought for us, but at its close I became aware that I had overdone. We moved into a retired cottage five miles out of North Fitzroy, and ever since I have been an almost helpless invalid. 21MR 123.2

I think of this, and the mist and fog gathers about me. But the Lord speaks to me saying, Come up higher, breathe the pure atmosphere of faith. As I look to Jesus, the darkness flees away, and I am happy in Christ. How exceedingly precious is the promise, “Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee.” 21MR 123.3

I am in Australia, and I believe that I am just where the Lord wants me to be. Because suffering is my portion, I have no thought of beating a retreat. The blessed assurance is given me that Jesus is mine and that I am His child. The darkness is dispelled by the bright beams of the Sun of Righteousness. Who can understand the pain I suffer but the One who is afflicted in all our afflictions? To whom can I speak but to Him who is touched with the feelings of our infirmities, and who knows how to succor those who are tempted? 21MR 123.4

When I pray earnestly for restoration, and it seems that the Lord does not answer, my spirit almost faints within me. Then it is that the dear Saviour makes me mindful of His presence. He says to me, Cannot you trust Him who has purchased you with His own blood? I have graven thee on the palms of My hands. Then my soul is nourished with the divine presence. I am lifted out of myself, as it were, into the presence of God. 21MR 123.5

Today I rode to the Echo Office and back. I have not been able to do this for weeks. I praise the Lord with heart and soul and voice that I am growing stronger. I long to bear my testimony to the people in the Colonies. 21MR 123.6

July 11, 1892—I did not sleep very well last night. I was urged to ride out in the afternoon, because the sun shone so beautifully. I did so, but it was too much of a tax on my strength. 21MR 124.1

I am weighed down by the thought of the work to be done in these Colonies. We have so few workers, and these do not always try in the best way to seek and save the lost sheep. Some seem to think that to preach is the sum and substance of their work. But there is much more than preaching to do. Personal work must on no account be neglected. The faithful minister will watch for souls with the deep interest that a shepherd guards his sheep. He will do personal work for those to whom he preaches, talking and praying with them. Such efforts will bear fruit to God's glory. 21MR 124.2

July 12, 1892—This afternoon I wrote a number of pages on the life of Christ. I long for a large portion of the Spirit of God, that I may write the things which the people need. There is a great work to be done in this country. Some who are laboring for the people do not know what true conversion means. Some seem to think that if they can do a certain work, they are converted. But they are not submissive to the Spirit of the Lord. 21MR 124.3

July 13, 1892—Last night I rested better. May Walling, my adopted daughter, kept up a good fire all day, and I felt no chill. In the morning I wrote on the life of Christ, and in the afternoon I rode out. 21MR 124.4

I am sure that my work is not yet done. I feel great comfort in the thought that the Lord has a watchcare over me. I must assure all that the truth lived and practiced will have a convincing power over all who come under its influence. 21MR 124.5

July 14, 1892—I was very nervous last night. The chills that I had on Monday and Tuesday resulted in lame, very painful shoulders and hips. I have done much earnest praying to the Lord for the presence of His Spirit. I must learn to live by faith. Then my dark and painful hours will be the brightest. Faith is not sight. It is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have no hope except in Christ. Salvation is of grace through faith; it is the gift of God. 21MR 124.6

My heart longs after the Lord. I want to be led by His counsel every hour. I dare not trust my own judgment. I praise my Redeemer for His sustaining grace. I praise Him because He has not allowed the enemy to touch my head. My entire body, bone, muscle, and nerves, has been afflicted, but my head has been clear, my memory good. I have suffered much pain in my arms and across my shoulders, making it impossible for me to dress or undress myself. For months I was unable to get on or off the bed without assistance. But my health is certainly improving. After arranging my position so as not to bring any strain on arms or shoulders, I go to work at my writing, asking the Lord to bless that which I write. I know that He helps me. During each month of my sickness, I have written nearly two hundred pages of letter paper. 21MR 124.7

I am now writing on the life of Christ. I know that the enemy will make every possible effort to hinder me, but I shall cling to Jesus, for He is my dependence. 21MR 125.1

During my wakeful hours I have sought the Lord most earnestly, asking Him to join my weakness to His strength, my ignorance to His wisdom, my unworthiness to His merit, my frailty to His enduring might, my poverty to His boundless wealth. 21MR 125.2

When the affliction under which I have been suffering for several months came upon me, I was surprised that it was not removed at once in answer to prayer. But the promise, “My grace is sufficient,” has been fulfilled in my case. There can be no doubt on my part. My hours of pain have been hours of prayer, for I have known to whom to take my sorrows. I have the privilege of reinforcing my feeble strength by laying hold upon infinite power. By day and night I stand on the solid rock of God's promises. 21MR 125.3

My heart goes out to Jesus in loving trust. He knows what is best for me. My nights would be lonely did I not claim the promise, “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify Me.”—Manuscript 19, 1892. 21MR 125.4

Ellen G. White Estate

Silver Spring, Maryland,

September 13, 1990.

Entire Ms.