Ms 189, 1899

Diary, August 1899

August 12-19, 1899

Portions of this manuscript are published in 4Bio 400.

Saturday, August 12, 1899

Very rainy. I did not attend meetings. Many things are upon my mind which I cannot lay by. My mind is sorely troubled. I see not how I am to get this work done that needs so much to be done. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 1

There have been many things that needed to be done, which could not be delayed, and while in an assembly we were taking up the question of church school, there were cautions given in regard to dangers before us in engaging in too many plans, such as they have entered into in America. We must not gather responsibilities that will involve large time and large means, and large care and perplexities to keep in running order. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 2

There was then presented the many unfinished things which called for much wisdom to finish up and get in working order. There were several things enumerated which were at loose ends, needing to be bound off. But to divert the minds now to create new responsibilities would be working unwisely and would accumulate more care and perplexity. This gathering upon the workers more things to plan for would be unwise. Let the Lord lead the way, and let the Lord lay out the work that should be done. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 3

The sanitarium should now be entered upon. A site should be selected, the building plan made, and the cost of such a plan be estimated. When everything is prepared that men can do, trust the Lord fully that He will lead the way and provide the means, after we have done to the uttermost of our capabilities. But one thing must not be rushed upon another without some clearly defined plan and estimating the cost of the work, lest confusion should be the result. This must be avoided. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 4

The statement has been made that “God is never in a hurry.” But if the human agent will step in to be the Lord’s minute man, to be His helping hand, then the work will move promptly without rushing and friction. We need to walk calmly in a perfect way, yet be diligent in business, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 5

Tuesday, August 15, 1899

Unable to sleep past one o’clock. I am trying to cast all my burdens upon the Lord. This is the last day to prepare our letters for mail. Some cannot be written to as I desire. W. C. White has not given me help for some time. The long meetings in succession here, and then the meetings following the Avondale Union Conference, have taken my time and W. C. White’s time, and everything is left unfinished. There are letters to get ready for the mail. Important letters are coming from America. They need to be carefully read and prayerfully considered and wisely answered. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 6

We feel so sorry that Willie was held so long in Sydney. Then he was urged to go to Melbourne. Brother Daniells felt he must have his help, but he said, “No, mother needs me. I must attend to the writings.” Here is my constant perplexity—how to keep W. C. White [with me,] to help me by selection of the most essential things to come before the people in print. It is a constant battle, and it is a strain upon me to be constantly urging and being unable to succeed in having W. C. White to lift the load from me. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 7

For years resolutions have been passed to give up W. C. White to help me in my writings, but the resolutions amounted to nothing, as they sent for him and relied upon him, and he thought he must comply with their requests. Just now [we have had] only a day or two to examine and adjust important matters. I have not time to explain my own writings and cannot do this. Often many things must be left undone, and I am wearied out with contemplating the many important things. I lose my courage and my strength and cannot call to mind the very things I ought to say and many things I ought to write. I have a letter—two, yes, three—written for Dr. Kellogg, but I am so afraid of being misunderstood that I dare not send them. I feel intensely, and want to help his mind in many things but how can I do it? My words are misapplied and misunderstood, and sometimes appear to be so misunderstood by humans that they do more harm than good. This has been the case with Dr. Kellogg. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 8

I have just had to lay down my pen and do nothing, for I feel quite sick and very much discouraged. The Lord help me and strengthen and bless me is my prayer day and night. Oh, what could I do without the thought, Thou, O Lord, knowest it all. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 9

Wednesday, August 16, 1899

This morning I rose at half past three o’clock. I wrote a letter to Elder Haskell and A. T. Jones. It was copied and prepared for mail, and I must say some things to my son W. C. White. After talking with me and knowing my mind from light given me of the Lord, he worked this matter out and placed it in plain, clear lines; and after reading three letters, I was pleased with the statement so definitely expressed in the wording of them. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 10

The mail went this morning. There are the letters to Dr. Kellogg, uncopied, unsent. Perhaps it is well. I do not think we see things alike, and he feels sure his work has been under the leading of the Lord. I see his dangers, which he does not see. The Lord has presented his case before me and the result must, I fear, come upon him. He is carrying the responsibilities he has been accumulating for years. If he falls under the load he has piled upon himself, he will leave the impression it is because he was left without the cooperation of those who ought to have helped him. May the Lord have compassion upon Dr. Kellogg is my prayer. May the Lord help him to see he is accumulating too many responsibilities in the medical missionary work. I cannot but speak to him the truth, and therefore I have spoken and it has not harmonized with his mind and has not had a good effect upon the doctor. He does not style me his friend. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 11

Wednesday night I came upon a letter which was written in 1893. Here lie the letters written to him more recently, unsent. I must, if I speak, tell him the truth—which he says is not truth. There is not a word I can take back, and I will leave matters just as they are for the Lord to heal the wounds that my testimony to him has made. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 12

The Boulder Sanitarium should never have been created at the time it was, by drawing heavy sums from the General Conference when he knew that if these draughts are continually made there will be no funds in the treasury to carry on the work of God in missionary lines in foreign fields. Men cannot see afar off. These things worry me. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 13

Thursday, August 17, 1899

This morning I could not sleep past twelve o’clock. I am drawn out in prayer to God in behalf of my infirmities. My left cheek bone was injured three years ago and at times threatens me. My left eye is also weak. I have men praying most earnestly to the Lord, who is the mighty Healer, to remove the difficulty. I do believe I receive the things I ask of the Lord in and through the name of Jesus. I have always found great comfort and relief in telling Him all my difficulties. He has promised in (John 14), “Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do.” [Verse 13.] Ask in My name, and I will do it. Oh, how precious is this promise! We will not dishonor God by doubting its truth. Christ our Redeemer hath said it. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 14

The Lord help me to offer this prayer in simplicity and unfaltering confidence. I cast my helpless soul upon Thee. Thou wilt answer my prayer although I feel unworthy to receive these precious evidences of good. The Lord will restore the sight to enable me to write. God will work in my behalf. I rest my whole case on the promise, and it will be fulfilled. I am truly needful of this blessing. In His goodness and mercy and liberality He will deal with His child that loves Him. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 15

“If ye shall ask anything in my name, I will do it.” [Verse 14.] I believe I receive the things I ask for. Then saith my Saviour, “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” [Verse 15.] This is the way we are to show our love—by obedience. This obedience is not pretension, but it is practice. “He that hath” the knowledge of “my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me.” [Verse 21.] This is the true test. To do His specified commandments is the genuine evidence that we love God. Obedience is the fruit of true love. “If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.” John 14:23. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 16

Saturday, August 19, 1899

After the Sabbath. The Lord gave me rest in sleep last night. I awoke about twelve o’clock, but I prayed the Lord to give me more sleep. For several nights my mind has been burdened. After lying awake until the clock struck two, I fell asleep and did not wake up until past four o’clock. I feel very thankful for this precious sleep. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 17

My mind was burdened. Some warning is given me in regard to not taking many more things which must be created and will necessarily tax the minds of those who have been already overtaxed. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 18

I did not attend meeting today. It has been rainy and very unpleasant. We have had rain most of the month of July, and thus far in August there has not been much sunshine. I have not seen it thus rainy any winter in Australia. I am praying for sunshine. We are all well, as a family. My heart is longing for the fullness of God. I do greatly desire that all of our people shall pray for the Lord to work in our behalf. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 19

We are trying to build a meetinghouse at Hamilton. The tent will now be taken down, for a hall is hired. The tent must get dry before it is taken down. It has been the meetinghouse in Newcastle since the camp meeting there was closed. We need means, in this locality as well as in Hamilton, for the building of this house. I am seeking the Lord in prayer and I think many are praying. The Lord has said, “Ask, and ye shall receive,” (John 16:24), and “whatsoever ye ask in prayer, believing ye shall receive.” Matthew 21:22. I shall hold fast the promise. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 20

We want to build this house of worship, that it shall lift up the standard. The seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Oh, the people ought to know what we believe! Many are demanding instruction in the special line: Why do you keep the Sabbath? We want the students to fit up to be teachers in church schools. We have not means and workers. I do wish I had both, and could urge our way onward. 14LtMs, Ms 189, 1899, par. 21