Counsels on Relationships
Counsel #16 — No Defense
Picture: Counsel #16 — No Defense CR 84.1
Being defensive can quickly turn a conversation into an unnecessary conflict. When someone offers feedback or shares how they feel, responding with excuses shifts the focus away from the actual issue, preventing productive dialogue. CR 84.2
Think about a time when a friend told you that something you said hurt them. A defensive response like, “I didn’t mean it that way, so it’s not my fault,” shuts down the opportunity to understand their perspective. In a workplace setting, if a coworker points out a mistake and you immediately say, “Well, I only did that because no one explained it to me,” it can come across as an unwillingness to take responsibility. These moments often lead to frustration rather than resolution. Instead, listening without interrupting and calmly reflecting on what’s being said can transform the conversation. Phrases like “I see why that upset you” show a willingness to understand. As Christians, we should let go of the need to defend ourselves and recognize that feedback isn’t an attack, but an opportunity to improve.9 CR 84.3
“Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:9 NIV CR 84.4
“Many in this corrupt age have so small a supply of the grace of God, that in many instances their defense is broken down by the first assault…” Ellen White in God’s Amazing Grace , p. 33 CR 84.5
Reflect: Are you open to seeking feedback as a chance to grow? CR 84.6